FMA Abridged With Commentary: Season 1
by Anonymius
Summary: All At least most of the first season of 'Full Metal Alchemist' abridged and shortened. Introduced, concluded and commented through by an overseeing being and his assistants.
1. Challenge To the Son

**I do not own 'Full Metal Alchemist' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Greetings, all. I am the Commentator, and this is my assistant, the Professor.

Professor: Hello.

Commentator: We are here to introduce to you 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'. As some of you already know, Full Metal Alchemist is a popular anime/manga about a boy with a unnaturally deep voice who hadn't even reached pubety yet and his brother who tried to bring back to life their dead mother with Alchemy. Unfortunately, as is expected, everything did not go to plan. Because you can't bring back the dead. (Scratches head) Or because the dimwit thought that a couple drops of blood were a sufficient trade for a soul despite being a genius, you know to be honest, it's rather vague. Anyway, as a consequence, the boy with the voice of a 42 year old, Edward Elric, lost his leg, whereas his more realistically voiced brother, Alphonse Elric, lost his entire body, and Ed somehow ended up tying his brother's soul to a suit of armour at the cost of his own arm. And so, the Elric brothers vow to never rest until they restore their bodies to their true forms, with the same kind of determination they had when trying to bring back their mother that got them into this situation in the first place. Hmm. You think they would have learnt from that incident. Hopefully it won't end up with them experiencing any major consequences...

* * *

Commentator: Three years later…

Ed: We're lost.

Al: What makes you say that?

Ed: (Takes out a piece of parchment) According to this, we should be in Lior by now.

Al: Er, Brother, that's the third page of the first 'Full Metal Alchemist' Manga issue.

Ed: And according to it we should be in Lior by now!

(As they spoke, Japanese subtitles appear, but the lazy dubbers do nothing to translate them. According to the more useful and better written fansubs, they reads 'big brother, 15', 'little brother, 14')

Commentator: Okay, hold it, this has been bugging me ever since I became an Otaku.

Professor: What are you talking about, sir?

Commentator: Have you ever noticed that leading shonen characters tend to be 15?

Professor: What do you mean?

Commentator: I mean at least at one point in almost in every known shonen manga or anime, the hero has been 15. let's see, there's Naruto, Goku, Ichigo, Kagome, Yugi, Yusuke, Jaden, and possibly Sonic the Hedgehog. It's enough to make you think that the subtitles are unnecessary cos of course the hero's gonna be fifteen, they're always fifteen. Seriously, is there something significant about the age of 15 that I don't know about?

Professor: Well I don't know about Naruto, Ichigo, Kagome, Jaden or Yusuke, but in the case of Edward, Yugi, Goku and Sonic, traditionally 15 is a significant age for miniature heroes.

(Bom bom bom ch)

Ed: Why do I have the sudden urge to kill someone?

* * *

Al: There. We're finally in Lior at the bar. Happy now, Brother?

Barman: Brother? Wait a minute, (Points at Ed) he's your older brother?

Ed: How could you tell?

Barman: He referred to you as 'Brother.'

Ed: -So? I call him 'brother' now and again, it doesn't mean he's my older brother!

Barman: No, but he referred to you as 'brother' with a capital 'b'.

Ed: Wait, you can tell capitals in someone's speech?

Barman: (Shrugs) What can I say? It's a gift. (To Al) You know, you're pretty big for a 14 year old. And yet you sound like a 10 year old. What, did the growth hormones that are supposed to go in to your voice go in your body instead or something?

Al: WHAT? (Gets up) My voice is as deep as any 14 year old! (As he hits the top, Al causes the radio to shake and fall on the ground and break). AHH! Don't worry, I can fix it.

* * *

(Moments later, Al has drawn some kind of diagram around the broken radio, claps his hands and in a flash (**No, we're not being metaphorical here, it's literally caught in a bolt of lightning**) the radio is brand new.)

Barman: Gasp! It's magic!

Ed: Foolish simpleton! It's Alchemy. Pure Science.

Barman:… It's pure science to fix a radio by placing it on the ground, making a chalk drawing around it, and clapping your hands?

Ed: …Ummm, yes?

Barman:O-kay. Then explain to me the scientific process behind what your brother just did?

Ed:….Hah! I don't expect a simpleton like you to understand!

Barman: Yeah, that's the same excuse the last alchemist around here made. Then it turned out that he's the son of God!

Ed: Hmmmmmmmm…Sounds fishy. We'd better check it out.

* * *

Al: Well it looks like a normal Alchemic reaction. Except-

Ed: He's screwing the rules.

Al: Maybe it's because he has lots of money?

Ed: …Yeah, I think it's something else-

Rose: I'm sorry, but what rules?

Al: Well, according to the rules of alchemy and equivalent trade, you can make an object bigger or smaller, but you can't change it into another type of element, like turning rock into water.

Ed: Wow. That was more easily explained than either the manga or the anime!

Al: Thanks, I-

Rose: So how exactly has he screwed the rules?

Ed: He just told you, he defied the-

Rose: No he didn't! He just turned that water into wine! How was that screwing the rules if both have water elemental properties?

Ed: -Well….

Manga: NO, NO, NO! THEY GOT IT ALL WRONG!

Rose: AH! Did your comic book just speak?

Ed: Yeah, it tends to do that whenever something that contradicts the original manga appears.

Manga: Well the stupid fanfiction rules forbid a writer featuring a living person like the creator of FMA, so someone has to complain about this travesty!

Ed: What are you talking about?

Manga: You can't make an object bigger without adding to the mass! That's the whole point of equivalent trade! You can't make a litre of apple juice if you don't have enough apples for it! Jeez, no wonder this crappy adaptation only lasted for about 50 episodes!

Al: (ignoring the manga comic ranting) Hey Brother, you don't think-

Ed: Yeah (Examines the ring on Cornello's finger) The Granilith.

* * *

Cornello: What? What did you say to me?

Clay: THE-EL-RIC-BRO-THERS-WERE-SEEN-AT-THE-LAST-GA-THER-RING!

Cornello: -Why are you shouting?

Clay: You didn't seem to hear me. I-

Cornello: SHUT UP! I mean, I knew it! The government has sent its agents to take me down!

Clay: But Father, couldn't it be that they're just passing through?

Cornello: Even though that sounds plausible, I'm going to jeopardise my entire establishment by provoking the main characters.

* * *

Ed: I guess the moral of this story is that there's no God or afterlife.

Al: But Ed, what if there really is something else out there?

Ed: Please Al, if there really was some other worldly dimension with the essence of existence I think one of us would have encountered it by now! Remember Al, we're scientists.

Al: No, we're pseudo-scientists. or proto-scientists at best. And besides doesn't alchemy have this whole spiritual side to it as well?

Ed: …I never paid any attention to that side of Alchemy.

* * *

Rose: You know, you can find the religion of 'Letoism' to be very beneficial!

Ed: Sorry I'm a scientist. Alchemists can't afford to believe in things like 'creator' or 'God' that have never been proven.

Rose: But, don't alchemists accept the existence of a soul even though that's never been proven to exist?

Ed: (Falls over) WAH! I seem to have fallen over.

Rose: Yeah, that tends to happen a lot in anime.

* * *

Clay: Rose, the Elrics brothers are enemies of God. I've already killed one and I need to kill the other.

Ed: You're not very bright, are you?

Clay: -What?

Ed: Don't you find it odd how one bullet knocked my brother's head off? Let alone that there's no blood?

Clay: -What's you're point?

(Al's headless armour grabs Clay's gun)

Clay: -AAAAAAAAAH! IDIOT!

(Silence)

Everyone: Huh?

Commentator: I think the stupid dubbers mixed the words 'baka' and 'obake' again!

(**Baka meaning 'idiot' or 'fool' and obake meaning 'monster'**)

* * *

(Rose screams and runs away)

Al: Wow. She didn't take that awfully well.

Ed: Well, we were probably hoping too much that she could cope with you being revealed to be nothing but a suit of armour, so much that she would be willing to, say, hide inside you or something.

* * *

Ed: ROSE! Rose, where are you?

Cornello: Hah! Little did you realise that your friend Rose had led you into a trap!

Ed: What? She was able to come up with a plan to betray us right after deciding that we were evil?

Rose: (Shrugs) What can I say? It's a gift.

Cornello: You enemies of the son of God must be destroyed!

Ed: Son of God my tushie! You haven't been performing miracles! You've just been using the Granilith!

Cornello: (Puzzled) The what?

Ed: It goes by many names, but it is the substance that allows the person to violate all laws of physics. The Granilith. Chakra. Smallville Kryptonite. But its best known name is the Philosopher's Stone.

Cornello: -Don't you mean the Sorcerer's-

Ed: NO, I DO NOT!

Cornello: -Oh. I just thought that since this was the American version-

Ed: NO!

Cornello: And what's this 'Granilith' you keep referencing?

Ed: You know, the Granilith? (Cornello still looks puzzled) The Alien version of the holy grail in Roswell High? (Cornello looks blankly at him) Better known as 'Roswell' in the United States? That sci-fi teen drama series in the late 90/early noughties about the teen aliens who grew up in Roswell which at times ripped off of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'? (Everyone continues to stare blankly at him) It had a huge cult following at the time! Well, not as big as its contemporaries like Buffy or Angel or Charmed or Smallville, which itself was a rip off of Roswell with the whole 'teen alien in small town who hides his abilities from the outside world', except of course that none of his friends knew, which was just stupid I mean you could have had so much fun with 'team superboy' and avoided all that unnecessary c/lana an-

Al: Brother, now is not the time to rant about Smallville!

Ed: (mutters) It's never a good time to rant about Smallville.

Cornello: Anyway, you are right. (Shows ring) I have been using the Philosopher's Stone and been passing its powers off as miracles!

Ed: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! Dude, did you just admit that you're a fraud in front of one of your most devoted followers? Are you like retarded or something?

Cornello: Hah! Fool! Little do you know that the Liorns in the anime are so stupid that they will continue to believe in me no matter how many times I'm exposed as a fraud!

Ed: …You're kidding, right?

Cornello: Fraid not. They all suffer from what is known as 'Life of Brian' Syndrome!

(Ed and Al look aghast)

Ed: You lie!

Cornello: Do I? Watch! HEY HENCHMEN! (Henchmen walk in) You're all individuals!

Henchmen: Yes. We're all individuals.

Clay: I'm not.

Henchman 1: Shh!

Ed: Rose, come down from there! That man is not the son of God! He just admitted it for crying out loud! He's just been using meteor rock!

Al: Don't you mean 'meteorite'?

Ed: Shut up.

Rose: Can the meteorite bring back my dead boyfriend from his eternal peace and loved ones?

Cornello: Sure. Why not.

Rose: I'm sorry guys. Even if he isn't the son of God, his power is real.

Ed: Listen to me Rose, nothing good can come from trying to bring back the dead! (Pulls off clothes) Behold what happens to those who violate the realm of God!

Cornello: Whoa whoa, hold on for a second. God? I thought you were an atheist?

Ed: I am. So?

Cornello: Then why are you suddenly revering God with the whole 'man shouldn't violate the realm of God' speech?

Ed: ...I-don't-know...

Cornello: I never thought I'd say this but I think the American version made more sense.

Professor: Hey now, that's just crazy talk!

* * *

Cornello: I see. So you have a robotic arm and leg. Oh, so that's why you're known as the Full Metal Alchemist! It makes sense now! (Considers this) Wait, no it doesn't! Why would you be called the 'Full Metal' Alchemist if you're not, say, 'full metal'?

Ed: I don't know, but I guess somehow that the Fuhrer didn't think the 'Semi-Metal Alchemist' sounded as cool.

Cornello: Well actually-

Ed: Now Let me explain to you how I lost my arm and leg and how my brother lost his body.

Cornello: NO, no! You are NOT doing a character origin flashback sequence in the middle of my fight, you're just not!

Ed: My brother and I grew up in the country in the east of the country.

Cornello: Damn you, Full Metal!

Ed: Our father was never around, and when we were children, our mother died of a long illness. Wanting her back, we set off to bring her back to life using alchemy. After gathering the ingredients needed to create a human body, we placed them in a transmutation circle, then gave our drops of blood in order to transmute her soul-

Cornello: Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute. You actually thought, that according to the rules of equivalent trade, that a couple of drops of blood would be enough for a human soul?

Ed: Ummmm, yes?

(Silence)

Cornello: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! THAT'S LIKE OFFERING TWO PENCE FOR THE CROWN JEWELS! (Wipes eye) Oh man! No wonder your transmutation backfired and you lost your bodyparts!

Rose: And where was your guardian when all this was happening?

Al: Huh?

Rose: I assume that you had some kind of guardian? I mean it's not like that you were left to your own devices, were you?

(Elric brothers are silent)

Ed: Well actually-

Rose: Wait. You mean you were actually left without any kind of guardian?

Ed: No, we had a guardian. She just lived in the house opposite ours, that's all?

Rose: -What kind of irresponsible guardian would not have her wards living with her?

Ed: I think you forget that in the world of anime (And possibly Japan, though I'm not too certain as to point a finger), that children are often left to their own devices without any supervision, even if they're orphaned.

Rose: -What crazy country would allow children to run wild without any supervision?

Ed: Like I said, possibly Japan.

Commentator: You know, this incident with the Elric Brothers just proves once again that there's a reason why children need supervision!

Ed: Well, anyway, that's why we need the Philosopher's Stone. To restore our bodies.

Cornello: If that's the case, then why not just gather the elements needed for a human arm, leg and body, decrease the amount of iron you have, step into a transmutation circle with them, and restore your bodies that way? I mean it sounds like that the only reason your human transmutation went awry was because you foolishly thought that a couple of drops of blood were enough for a soul!

Ed: ….Because if we did that, we wouldn't have a plot, otherwise.

Cornello: Now, for making me endure a flashback, Chimera, I choose you!

(Gate opens and comes along a cross between a lion and a bird)

Ed: Uh oh. It's Alchemy time!

(Claps hands together, touches the ground and creates a metal staff)

Cornello: Okay, seriously, is there any manga/anime where the thing is actually what it's supposed to be?

Ed: -What are you talking about?

Cornello: Well let's see, you've got pirates who don't do any pirating, you've ninjas who use magical powers and wear bright orange jumpsuits, and now you've got so called alchemists who transform things with their bare hands?

Ed: Well nobody would be watching or reading this manga if there weren't any kind of action sequences.

* * *

Cornello: Uh oh. Chimera needs help! GO- parrot- giant-monster- thing!

(Turns a parrot on his shoulder into a monstrous version, which swoops at Ed)

Ed: Hey! This wasn't in the original manga!

Cornello: That's why I find filler characters to be so useful. They throw off the main characters!

(Ed grabs the parrot's beak)

Ed: Yes, but you forgot about one important fact about filler characters. (Throwing the parrot away) They have exactly 0 percent effect on the plot. And now, despite the fact that we're winning, we're going to run away for no reason.

Al: We are?

Ed: Yes.

Al:-But there's no way out!

Ed: I've already thought ahead.

Cornello: No! He's magically creating a doorway!

Ed: IT'S NOT MAGIC!

Cornello: Oh who are you kidding? Making chalk drawings on the ground, clapping your hands, defying the laws of physics, face it kid, Alchemy's just magic in scientific wrapping!

* * *

Ed: Okay. We're lost again. (Looks at the manga) According to this, we should still be in Cornello's building! I think we went too far.

Al: Yeah, but Brother, you forget that anime need to lengthen the story in order to show it in the one episode.

Random mob leader: There they are! The enemies of the son of God!

Mob: BURN THEM!

Ed: Look here! He's not the son of God, he's a very naughty boy! I mean man! Man is what I said. Man.

Rose: Oh yeah? Then how is it that he's been raising the dead?

Al: He's been raising the dead? Since when?

Ed: Has anyone actually seen these people? I heard that they just disappear afterwards!

Al: When did you hear that?

Ed: (Shrugs) I o know.

* * *

Cornello: Hah! Did you really believe that you could expose me as a fraud?

Ed: Just did.

Cornello: What?

Ed: I've used my alchemy to broadcast what you said to the entire city.

* * *

Bell: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?

* * *

Random City Dweller: Father Cornello? Is this true? Are you not the son of God?

Cornello: Of course I am! Look!

(Uses ring to turn the nearby statues into living ones)

Random City Dweller No.2: Wow! Do you really think that this is a miracle?

Random City Dweller No.1: What else could it be? Unless of course he's using alchemy to transfigure the statue to be a living one.

Random City Dweller No.2: Don't you mean 'transmute?'

Random City Dweller No.1: Oh, potato, potato.

Ed: NO, THEY'RE NOT! They're completely different, like a spirit and a non-corporeal entity!

Random City Dweller No.1: But, they're basically the same thing with a different name, aren't they? I mean 'non-corporeal' was a religious word before the sci-fi people nicked it.

* * *

Ed: Wow. Cornello was right. You people really do have 'Life of Brian' Syndrome! Now let me prove to you people once and for all that this man is not the son of God!

(Claps his hands together and place them on the ground to make the nearby giant statue move)

Ed: There. Now do you see?

Random City Dweller: ...I guess there's only one possibility.

Ed: (Smirks) Thank you.

Random City Dweller: You're also the son of God!

Ed: WHAT?

Cornello: WHAT?

Ed: No, no! I'm an ordinary human being!

Random City Dweller: Only the true son of God would deny his divinity!

Cornello and Ed: WHAT?

Cornello: All right then, if that's how we're going to play this, then I'm not the son of God!

(Silence)

Random City Dweller: HE DECEIVED US!

Mob: BURN HIM!

Cornello: But, but you said, curse you Edward Elric! (Runs away) You planned this!

Ed: Er, yeah, of course.

* * *

Ed: Well once again, Good triumphs over Evil! And all is well again.

Rose: That's easy for you to say! Don't you realised that you've just destroyed an entire city's faith and hope and sent them into a void of unspeakable depression?

Ed: Hey, don't sound so ungrateful, we just save your city from a false prophet! I mean okay we've taken away a whole city's blissful happiness in the process, and possibly a few may commit suicide out of their misery, but hey! Truth, freedom and atheism are the world's ultimate Goods! (Elric Brothers walk away) See ya!

Al: Man, I wonder how we'll screw up the next place we visit. Hey, weren't we supposed to get something from someone?

Ed: To be honest I can't remember. Ah, I'm sure it'll come to us eventually.

* * *

Cornello: Lust! LUST! You've gotta help me! The city mob is out to get me! Oh yes and my Philosopher's Stone broke.

Lust: Yeah well I'm afraid that Philosopher's Stone we gave you is alot like our relationship. It was not made to last.

Cornello: WHAT? But-but Lust, I thought we had something special?

Lust: We did, the special's gone, it's time to move on to the next guy. A woman has needs after all, AGIGIDI GOO! You can have the leftovers, Gluttony!

Gluttony: Mmmmm, false prophet. (Druels)

* * *

Random City Dweller: Where is that false prophet?

Cornello: I'm not a false prophet. Behold my power! (Creates a flock of birds)

City Dwellers: Wow, a miracle!

Random City Dweller No.2: But what if it's another trick?

Random City Dweller No.1: This couldn't be! I mean I know he's doing the exact same thing as before, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there's a certainty that it's a trick!

Commentator: And so, the homunculus Envy duped the people of lior into thinking that he was the son of God, making the Elric brothers' efforts completely pointless.

Professor: Oh well. At least Rose looks sceptical.

Commentator: You know, I think either the adaptator or the dubber has more issues with religion than the manga writer.

Professor: It's probably the dubber.

THE END

* * *

Commentator: So wait, that's it?

Professor: What do you expect from two twenty minute long episodes?

Commentator: I know, I'm just used to commentating on long 8,000 film parody epics, that's all.

Professor: By the way, what was up with the Homunculi at the end? I thought we had standards?

Commentator: Apparently this is important later on in the abridged series.

Sammy: (slivers in) You know, I'm not too sure about this Edward fellow. He seems to change ideas alot. I mean one minute he was talking about how there's no God and that alchemists are the closest thing to God, then the next he was talking about how people shouldn't venture into God's domain. What was up with that?

Commentator: I think it makes sense if you're Japanese.

Sammy: -I don't quite follow.

Commentator: (Sigh), Well it's interesting to note that when Ed was talking about the consequences of venturing into 'the realm of God,' he used the word 'Kamisama' as opposed to 'Kami o,' which is used throughout the series.

Sammy: -Is there a difference?

Commentator: A slight difference, and one not well known among those outside of Japan. You see, although idiotic westerners who don't know squat about Japanese think that 'Kamisama' means 'God', as in 'The God', this is not necessarily the case. They probably think this because they think that 'Kami' literally means 'god', as in any god. This is not true at all. A better translation of 'kami' is 'spirit', and what the idiotic translators who mix up words like 'baka' and 'obake' don't realise is that 'kamisama' can be equally translated in the plural, and is used to collectively refer to those of the Shinto pantheon.

Professor: And how can you be sure that it's been translated correctly?

Commentator: Well, because the honorific 'sama,' which-

Sammy: Means Lord or Lady?

Commentator: ...No, no, NO! Well, not necessarily. 'Sama' is an honorific used to address someone of higher status. So 'kamisama' can be literally translated to mean 'high spirit,' in other words, a god. This is in contrast to 'Kami o,' which I think means something like 'Supreme Spirit,' which is essentially what God is.

Professor: So, what's your point?

Commentator: Well, what Ed was basically talking about, in one interpretation, was violating 'the realm of the gods,' which is another way of saying 'violating the laws of nature' or 'the laws of the universe'. And even though, given the European-like culture of the Amestrians, he probably was talking about 'the realm of God,' to the Japanese audience he could have equally been talking about 'the realm of the gods'.

Sammy: Ohhhh, so that's how he was able to talk about how people shouldn't violate God's Realm, and still be an atheist!

Commentator: Exactly! Well either that or he was justing pulling Rose's chain earlier.

Sammy: Wow! Thanks Boss! I found this discussion very enlightening.

Commentator: Next I'll tell how 'demon' is a bad translation for 'yokai,' and if anything 'oni' should be translated as 'demon'. Along with 'ogre'.

Professor: No! No more ranting about mistranslations! If you want to complain that yokai shouldn't be translated as 'demon' or oni shouldn't always be translated as 'ogre,' wait for 'Inuyasha Abridged (With Commentary)'.

Commentator: -But that will take from forever to never!

Professor: Yes, I'm well aware of this fact.

Commentator: ...You know what, screw you Prof! I'll find someone who enjoys my debates! Hey Ed!

Ed: Yeah?

Professor: Where did he come from?

Commentator: I heard that you hate the traversty that is 'Smallville'?

Ed: Gasp! You mean you hate 'Smallville' too?

Commentator: Hate it? I loathe it! Well season 3 and post-'Solitude' at least.

Ed: You know what, I've always thought that's where it all went wrong-

Professor: Oh God, there's two of them!

Sammy: I guess that's what happens when there's one guy writing this.

Commentator: Join us next time on 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'! The next episode is entitled 'The Longest Flashback Ever Produced'! Don't miss out!

Ed: Wait, the longest what ever produced?

Commentator: Oh, nothing!


	2. The Longest Flashback Ever Produced

**I do not own 'Fullmetal Alchemist' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my muggle and wizard wannabe friends to- wait, wrong audience. Ahem, I mean.... my otaku and alchemy loving friends, to the second installment of the FMA Season 1 trilogy! Before we begin, I'd like to read a few of the reviews that have been sent to us. (Reaches to pick up review, only to find that the table that they're usually on is bare) Hey, Prof, where are the reviews?

Professor: There aren't any.

Commentator: HAHAHAAHAHAHA seriously now, where are they?

Professor: I'm telling you, we haven't gotten any reviews!

Commentator: WHAAAAAAAAA? But that can't be! Have you checked the shoot?

Professor: Checked it thoroughly, but I'm afraid it's clean.

Commentator: No! (Runs to the shoot and puts a broom up it to knock down any review that was sent) How could this have happened? When Philosopher's Stone Abridged came out we got like six reviews by the next week! There were so many reviews that we couldn't look at them all!

Professor: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the term 'Abridged' is far more well known among anime fans than it is among Harry Potter ones, and due to the vast number of really bad ones people will just assume that anything 'Abridged' is bad. I mean Anonymius only gave one other FMA Abridged a fraction of a second before giving up on it, and won't watch any others. Let's face it, the only way for an abridged series to be noticed is if it's recommended by the more popular ones or features a guest appearance from them. Otherwise people will probably avoid them like filler.

Commentator: DAMN YOU, MEDIOCRE NERDS WITH NO COMEDIC OR VOICE ACTING TALENT! Wait, that would certainly explain why we've got so few hits, but not any feedback!

Professor: Maybe it's just because it's not as good as HP Abridged.

Commentator: BUT WE HAD LIFE OF BRIAN REFERENCES AND EVERYTHING! (Sigh) Oh well. Hopefull this one will do better.

* * *

Al: Hey Brother, remember when we used this book when we were little?

Ed: Are you trying to set up a flashback or something? Didn't we already do the character background flashback last episode?

Al: Yeah, but Brother, we need to do a proper character origin flashback story in order to establish our characters. Don't worry, it should only take about thirty minutes, then we can return to the present and the manga.

ONE EPISODE LATER

Ed: Let me get this straight. It's already been an episode and we're STILL IN THE FLASHBACK? I know that anime and manga are traditionally fond of flashbacks but COME ON!

Al: I think the writing staff wants to set up some kind of season-length origin story. By the way, what's that parchment you've got?

Ed: (Reading) Oh, it's something that Mustang left behind when he came over.

* * *

Mustang: (Places manga comic on the desk) Here's something you might find useful on your journey. It will tell you the future and show you your way. Mwahahaha. Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAAHAHAAH! (Closes door)

Ed: Huh. I wonder what he was so happy about?

* * *

Al: You know Brother, for a genius, you're really dumb.

Ed: I know. Wait, what? Well anyway, I haven't found this thing that useful at all! It doesn't give any clue as to where we are.

Al: It's really impressive how well you recuperated after getting your new arm and leg. I mean Granny Pinako said that it takes three years, and you managed it in a day!

Ed: I know. Wait, there's a recuperation period?

Al: What? No one told you? By the way, where did you get that alchemist outfit?

Ed: You know what, I'm not entirely sure.

Al: Hey, why are we stopping here in this filler town?

Ed: Apparently we're here to see an old friend of Dad's to see if he knows anything about human transmutation.

* * *

Majhal: Greetings. My name is Majhal, and I believe you are looking for me. Just wait as I repair this stand.

Ed: How did you use alchemy without drawing a transmutation circle around the stand?

Majhal: This special bracelet with a transmutation circle engraved on it enables me to perform alchemy without the need for drawing a transmutation circle.

Ed: That just completely misrepresents the concept of alchemy!

* * *

Majhal: I'm sorry. I cannot help you. Only God is allowed to have any control over human life.

Ed: God? I thought you were an alchemist?

Majhal: I am. Spirituality is part of what it means to be an alchemist.

Ed: Suuuuuure it is.

Al: I keep telling him that but he refuses to believe me.

* * *

Klose: You've got to help me! After my sister died I saw this dead woman in the forest and that's when I realised she killed my sister and you've got to help me kill her!

Ed: Wait, how did you come to the conclusion that the zombie killed her just because she was watching you and your dad at the gravesite from the woods?

Klose: You're just scared because you're short!

Ed: Short, what do you mean 'short?'

(Camera pans out)

Klose: Well, you're shorter than me. See?

Ed: Oh yeah. I'm a real midget in comparison.

Al: Yeah, my brother has grown alot these past few days! He's grown a year's worth!

* * *

Lust: (Hiding behind a tree) I'm just here to give cohesion to the series. Gidigi.

* * *

Ed: Majhal! So you're the one behind all the deaths and the undead woman!

Majhal: Yes, it was I! I sort to bring back my love by placing the souls of people into a doll shaped like her!

Ed: -Wait. How is using other people's souls bringing her back? Not to mention that you used dolls for bodies? I mean, how on Earth were you going to have a relationship- Oh God. Puppet sex. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Majhal: What's the matter with him?

Al: He watched 'Team America' one time and got permanently scarred for life.

* * *

Ed: Majhal! It's not what you think! The woman you loved has been alive this whole time! (Un-hoods Karin) But instead of telling you, she decided to conceal her identity and do nothing or say anything while you stole people's souls and placed them into dolls!

Majhal: Do you really expect me to believe that?

Ed: No, not really.

Majhal: Now watch as I go insane for no reason! (Grabs a knife and uses alchemy to turn it into a sword)

Ed: Wait a minute! Did you just increase the size of that knife without adding to the mass?

Majhal: Yeah. So?

Ed: You can't do that, that's against the rules!

Majhal: Screw the rules; I have an amplifier!

Manga: A WHAT? What mediocrity is this? An amplifier! That just takes away the significance of equivalent trade!

Ed: WAH! You can talk?

Manga: I can do more than talk, I can rant at an extremely long pace! It's supposed to be the Philosopher's Stone that is a source of energy that ignores all laws! A so-called am-

Ed: Yeah, that's interesting and all, but I can think of a more productive use for you.

Manga: Wait, what are you doing-NOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Transmutates, by a transmutation circle drawn with just one stroke, into several paper wrappings that according to some law of physics wrap around Majhal)

Majhal: NO! Paper wrappings! My one weakness! How did he know?

Ed: Well that just goes to show you. Manga beats filler every time.

(Bom bom bom ch)

* * *

Commentator: And so, the Elric Brothers took down their first villain. Sadly though no one will remember his name after the end of the particular story. Such is the fate of all filler characters.

* * *

Al: Hey, Bro, why are you still carrying that manga comic around? I thought you got rid of it after fighting-you know-whatshisname?

Commentator: See what I mean?

Ed: (Stroking the cover) I couldn't part from this. It's my precious.

Al: …Okay, I think you should give that manga comic book to me-

Ed: NO! HANDS OFF THE PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!

Train: _All aboard the Temporal Express, folks! Today's your lucky day. We're here early. Three years early in fact!_

* * *

Three years later…

Hawkeye: Sir, the Temporal Express has gone back in time again.

Mustang: (Groan) Not again! How far has it gone back this time?

Hawkeye: Three years.

Mustang: Three years, you say? Hmmm. Hold on, I just need to make a quick phone call.

* * *

Three years ago…

Blue Phone: BRIIIIIING!

Mustang: Oh shoot, it's that phone with a connection to the future. (Sigh) (Picks up the phone) Yeah, what do you want?

Future Mustang: That's no way to talk to your elder you. By the way, a train from our time has entered yours by mistake. We have reasons to believe that a terrorist unit is on board, and we have our people on board as well.

Mustang: I see it helps that we had the entire manga at our fingertips.

Future Mustang: Indeed it did. Anyway, my troops are at your command. Oh yes, and get Edward Elric and his brother to get on board.

Mustang: Edward Elric, an eleven year-old kid with no battle experience who hasn't even, due to some plot hole, discovered that he can transmutate without a circle? Why?

Future Mustang: Because being the main character assures him victory against one-off villains.

Mustang: Can't argue with logic like that.

Future Mustang: Oh yeah and if he asks, make up something like no child can take the national alchemist exams without proving themselves and getting recommendation from a high-ranking officer.

* * *

Ferman: (On the phone) Sir! There's a suspicious looking person on the train!

Mustang: We've been through this, Ferman, just because they're dark skin doesn't necessarily mean they're a terrorist. Or even Muslim. Let alone Middle Eastern. I mean it's not like the religion excludes those of white or black skin, plus these aren't even that kind of terrorist-

Ferman: No, Sir! He's wearing armour!

Mustang: And this makes him a terrorist HOW? Don't worry, he's harmless. And make sure a short guy's with him, that'll tick him off.

Ferman: Huh?

Mustang: Er, I mean, just check if he's there. (Puts down phone) Heheheh. Being a sociopath is fun!

* * *

(Ferman walks towards the Elric brothers)

Al: Huh? Hey, it's Leonard Nimoy!

Ferman: What? No, my name is Ferman!

Al: Er, okay. Hey, do the hand thing!

Ferman: I've just told you I'm-(Notices Ed) Wow. You really are short.

Ed: OF COURSE I'M SHORT, I'M ONLY ELEVEN YOU DUMBASS!

Ferman: Really? For some reason I expected you to be a 15 year old midget!

Terrorist: SURPRISE ATTACK!

Ferman: OW! (Falls forward) Oh how foolish of me! I never suspected those of light skin...

* * *

Ed: Right. (Reads parchment) According to this, I just run across the top of the train. Looks like there'll be no obstacles. Why am I talking to myself? Oh well. AH, A TREE! (Gets knocked away) DAMN YOU, MANGA COMIC!

Manga: Hey, don't damn me! Damn the writing staff!

(Ed gets caught by someone)

Ed: Who are you?

Hughes: Name's Hughes, you're new potential father figure!

Ed: Erm. That's nice.

* * *

Ed: All right! I've reached the Boss!

(Moments later)

Al: Okay, how exactly did you defeat a guy who was older than you, bigger than you, and who also had a mechanical arm except his was bigger?

Ed: Four words. I'm the main character.

* * *

Mustang: Welcome, Elric Brothers. Welcome to the future.

Al: Um, I don't get it.

Ed: And what was with charging a bunch of kids with a mission for adults? Is your name Tsunade or something?

Al: No, that's Izumi Curtis.

* * *

Marin: Big Brothers! Thank you for rescuing us Big Brothers!

Sammy: Oh my God! The Elric brothers have a little sister? What a shocking twist!

(Commentator whacks him with a mallet)

Commentator: No, you stupid slug, 'Oni-Chan', which is translated as 'Big Brother', is an affectionate term given to a child or adolescent of older age.

Professor: Actually, Sir, I think that's 'Nii-

Commentator: Excuse me, who is the boss around here? Who is the commentating character so important his name is 'The Commentator'? You, is it? Professor Commentator? I think not!

* * *

Mustang: You'll be happy to know that we've found the right environment for you two to revise for the upcoming exams.

Ed: Wait; couldn't we just take the exams right away?

Mustang: You could, but in order to lengthen the story in order to fill the episode's length we need to add pointless scenes.

Ed: So what, more filler? Why do we torture the viewers so?

Mustang: Because being a sociopath is fun! Seriously, though, we've actually rerouted a manga story to fit the new storyline.

Ed: You tampered with manga material? That's even worse!

Mustang: -How is that worse than introducing pure non-canon material?

Ed: I don't know, but it's the same!

Mustang: It's nothing like-oh I give up. By the way, while you stay where you'll be, your best to return the manga volume to me.

Ed: Why?

Mustang: Trust me, it's for the best.

* * *

Shou Tucker: Hi there. As you have probably already guessed, my name is Shou Tucker, you're new potential father figure.

Ed: Wow. So many people want to be our father figures!

Nina: Do you have room for a little sister, Big Brother?

Ed: Sure, why not?

Sammy: Hey, Boss! If 'Oni-Chan' is an affectionate term, don't you think the girl used the term too quickly?

Commentator: Huh. I guess 'Oni-Chan's' the more formal honorific. It's probably 'Nii-San' which is the affectionate term.

Professor: That's what I've been trying to tell-

Commentator: COMMENTATOR!

* * *

Ed: Hey Al, you still awake?

Al: Uhuh. I think I'm too nervous about the upcoming exam.

Ed: Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing to do with the fact that a suit of armour doesn't exactly require sleep.

* * *

Hughes: Hey there, Ed! Me and my wife were thinking about celebrating your 12th birthday!

Ed: Wow! You would do that for me?

Hughes: For a barely known acquaintance like you? Anything!

Nina: Awww.

Hughes: You can come along too! The more strangers the better! I'm sure your father wouldn't mind you taking a ride with a total stranger to his home.

Shou Tucker: Well actually-

VROOOOOOM

Shou Tucker: (Sigh)

* * *

Ed: Say, Hughes. It's nice that you've done all of this for me, but I think what everyone is wondering is why?

Hughes: Well us past people have got to stick together, don't we?

Ed: I suppose. Wait, what? Past people? What are you talking about?

Hughes: Don't you know? Recently a chronokinetic surge from a rift in space and time shattered Amestris into different time periods.

* * *

Mustang: Al, you shouldn't take the exam.

Al: Huh? Why?

Mustang: Because according to the first few episodes and the manga only Ed is a national alchemist and you becoming a national alchemist as well would create a time paradox.

* * *

Ed: All right! I've passed my exams! And I learnt how to perform alchemy by just clapping my hands together! Although I'm not entirely sure how my alchemic reaction reversed the fall of the falling rubble.

(Subtitles appear. Once again, the incompetent dubbers do nothing to enlighten the situation, but according to the more ethical subtitlers, they read 'Big Brother Twelve, Little Brother Eleven')

Al: WAIT A MINUTE! WHEN DID I TURN ELEVEN?

Ed: I guess it was some point between my birthday and the final exam.

Al: But how come no strangers organised my birthday celebrations?

Ed: I guess the plot doesn't consider you important enough.

* * *

Ed: Shou Tucker? You turned your daughter and dog into a chimera?

Shou Tucker: I did it for the benefit of science!

Ed: No you didn't, you did it because you didn't want to lose all of your privileges! And besides what exactly can humanity benefit from combining a dog and a girl?

Shou Tucker: Ummmmmm… How to improve human abilities such as strength and smell by adding canine qualities?

Ed: …Actually, that sounds kinda coo-NO, NO! (Punching Tucker) THAT'S JUST WRONG!

Al: (Grabs Ed's hand) Brother, if you don't stop hitting him, he'll die.

Basque: Darn right he will.

Ed: Where did you come from?

Basque: I'm here as a Diabolus Ex Machina.

Ed: -Don't you mean, 'Deus Ex Machina'?

Basque: No. Whereas a Deus Ex Machina is a sudden wrap up of a situation, a diabolus is a sudden cause of a situation, like locking your friend up and taking her-it-him or whatever gender the Chimera is away.

Ed: Oh right. Wait, what?

* * *

(Van drives away)

Ed: NO! I won't let this happen! I'm gonna risk everything by attacking a military van and possibly kill everyone in it, including Alexnina!

Al: Alexnina?

Ed: What? You don't like the name?

Al: I was thinking we should call himher Ninander.

Ed: Himher?

Al: Well Ninander is the combination of a male and female!

Ed: Shouldn't that be 'it' then?

Al: But it sounds so dehumanis-

Commenator: Um, Elric brothers? The van is getting further away!

Ed: Oh right!

* * *

Elric Brothers: ANlilneanndierna! Come back!

(Silence)

Ed: Hmmm. Maybe it'd be less confusing if we decided on a name.

Alexanina: AAAAH!

Ed: Yes! Big Brother rules!

Al: Aww, no fair!

Commentator: Once again, diverting from the plot!

Ed: What? Oh right!

* * *

(Ed and Al stare at the bloody mess)

Commentator: Okay, there's no way to make this scene funny without coming across as a sociopath with no regard for human life or feeling.

Professor: Seth MacFarlane seems to manage it.

Commentator: But wow! What an ending! I must say this is a lot better than what happened in the original manga.

Fans: BOOOOOOOO-

Commentator: OH SHUT UP!

Fans: -Wha?

Commentator: Do you people have any idea how sick I am of you otaku? Always praising manga just because it's manga, and always dismissing anything original in anime just because it isn't canon? Did you know there was a time that I enjoyed moments in anime that later turned out to be non-canon, and then you nerds had to ruin it for me with all your talk about 'oh filler is rubbish!' 'Filler never develops character!' 'All filler characters are rubbish!' For God's sake mangaka are not prophets or akitsumikami! They are as human and flawed as any other human being! Just like the producers of anime are only human! I mean if you're gonna hate and criticise every moment that the anime changes something from the manga then WHY ON EARTH DO YOU EVEN WATCH THE ANIME?

Professor: For colour?

Commentator: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? I mean Full Metal Alchemist is perhaps the most altered manga-based anime out there, and yet it's the most praised! What does that tell you?

Professor: That the critics aren't so big manga geeks as the fans and evaluate it on it's own rather than comparing it to the manga?

Commentator: Exactly!

Professor: Although to be fair sir all of the episodes that were regarded as the best of anime in 2003 were all manga based, even if some were only roughly manga based.

Commentator: Exactly! So how about in the future you people be a bit more open minded towards non-canon moments, and don't just assume they're bad because they're not in the manga? Oh and by the way, I LIKED Yu-Gi-Oh Season 4 and the first half of Season 3! They were perhaps some of the best moments in the anime! There. I've said it!

* * *

Ed: Mustang, due to the recent events of losing two friends whom I only knew for a few days, I've decided to turn in my watchyoumacallit and give up being a national alchemist.

Mustang: I'll hold on to it for a while. I have a feeling you'll be back.

Ed: What makes you so sure?

Mustang: You forget (Pats document on his desk) I was the original owner of this document that I gave you.

* * *

Ed: There's a killer on the loose, and even though his style of killing does not match at all with how was killed, I'm going to assume that they're connected anyway. Oh yes and the killer has kidnapped my childhood friend who is just a friend. -Why do I keep talking to myself?

* * *

Tony the Chopper: Behold! I am really…A MAN!

Ed: Wow! What a twist! Someone's definitely been watching too much 'Psycho'!

Commentator: Apparently plot twists in this show revolve around cross-dressing.

* * *

Winry: Oh no! Ed's in trouble! Time to swing into action and decastrate him! Knocking Slabs of Meat No Jutsu!

Barry the Chopper: No! Defeated- by a shonen heroine. Shame...draining...strength...

* * *

Ed: Al, I've come to the conclusion that despite all our power, alchemists are not gods.

Al: And yet three years from now you'll forget that and boast how alchemists are the closest things to God.

Ed: I was helpless. I couldn't do anything. And-and-I WAS SAVED BY A SHONEN HEROINE!

Al: ...Wow. That is pretty pathetic.

* * *

Ed: Lieutenant, I've decided for no reason to rejoin the national alchemists.

Mustang: Brilliant! To celebrate your return, here's your assignment for today's episode.

Ed: Oh for goodness sake, it's been like sixteen episodes! We've already gone through the main points of me and my brother's origin story, can we please just end the flashback now?

Mustang: First of all, it's only been eight episodes. And secondly, before we end the flashback we need to establish how you Elric Brothers gained a reputation for being national alchemists that help the people, something that's never been stated in the manga. Don't worry, it's another canon story. Oh yes, don't forget your manga comic! I'm sure you'll find it useful.

* * *

Ed: Greetings, people of Youswell Coal Mine! I am Edward Elric, a national alchemist, and-

Hulling: We don't like your kind around here!

Ed: How come?

Hulling: The military governor, that's why! He taxes the people so much that no one could possibly pay the required amount.

Ed: How irrational and cliché villain-like.

* * *

Ed: Say, Sheriff of Nottingham, how about I buy this town from you, in exchange for all this gold I just transmuted out of coal?

Yoki: I'll be delighted! There's no way this could possibly be a trick!

* * *

Yoki: No! It was a trick! I did not see this coming! You truly are a master of deceit!

Girl of Gisborne: You'll pay for what you did to my master!

Ed: Hey! You'd better step down!

Girl of Gisborne: And why would I do that?

Ed: Because if you don't…I'll FILL in everyone here about your dirty little secret!

Girl of Gisborne: Gasp! How did you know?

Ed: (Waves something) This little document told me everything I needed to know!

Girl of Gisborne: No! If everyone knew, no one would take me seriously as a character! Okay, I give up.

* * *

Commentator: And so, Edward Elric achieved in a day what took Robin Hood all his lifetime, and didn't even achieve! Ever since, the Elric Brothers gained a reputation as the dogs of the military that cared for the common people. Meanwhile thanks to a chronoton serum that was injected in bio-neural gel packs placed across the country, Mustang was able to realign Amestris' timeline and everything returned to normal, everything except one little detail…

Driver: Hey kid? You ever heard of the Full Metal Alchemist? They say he's this elementary school kid who-

Ed: WHO ARE YOU SAYING IS NO BIGGER THAN AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KID?

Al: Brother! That's not what he said at all-

Ed: COME BACK HERE! I'LL TEACH YOU TO MOCK SOMEONE FOR THEIR HEIGHT!

THE END


	3. Lost In Animation

**I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and alchemy loving friends to the final installment of the 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary): Season 1' Trilogy! Hehe, you all probably thought we were joking, but it is true that this fanfic is only three installments long. But don't worry, Season 2 Abridged is on its way! But before we begin, let's check our reviews! Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor pulls the chain, and the shoot opens. Nothing comes out)

Commentator: Oh once again, no reviews. How shocking. Seriously I don't know why Anonymius is continuing-

Professor: Sir, while you were ranting, exactly six reviews fell out of the shoot.

Commentator: HOLY CRAP, THERE ARE REVIEWS? I mean REVIEWS! (Runs to the pile) REVIEWS! (Leaps into it and rolls through them) Yes! My excessive whining paid off!

Professor: See, aren't you glad that Anonymius carried on with the project even though it didn't seem to do well at first?

Commentator: I am indeed!

Professor: Now then, how about opening one of those reviews?

Commentator: Huh? Oh right! This one is from Emalee Roze:

like it. ^^  
but it is true about manga beating filler. i mean, i like the anime (at times) but the fillers just dont help out the main story line. -sighs-  
but anyway, cant wait for the next chapter. ;)

(Sigh) It is true that fillers don't exactly help the main storyline. But maybe not everyone wants a single plot? Maybe some people prefer the anime to be more varied and not be confined to the single running plot, and look back to the early days when the manga was episodic before the main plot and only that plot was established!

Professor: Please excuse my master. We are glad that you liked this and continue to wait for upcoming chapters, and look forward to any future reviews.

Commentator: Now this one is from SakuraSagura:

ROFL! Wow, that was great. Thanks for translating some of that too. It was interesting. I love the anime and manga to bits, but this was just plain awesomeness.

Professor: Good Lord! Someone actually LIKED you rambling about translations of 'Kami O' and 'Kamisama'?

Commentator: And you thought I would put off all of our readers! Now, the third review is from-

Clock: TING

Commentator: What?

Professor: I guess time is up.

Clock: MWAHAHAHAHA! I VOWED THAT I WOULD RETURN!

Professor: Yes, but no one has not read 'Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary)' will have any idea what you are talking about. Let alone that you can speak.

Commentator: So wait- there were so many reviews that we couldn't get through all of them? This is the happiest moment of my life!

Clock: -MY INTENT WAS NOT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

Professor: It never is. But seriously now, Anonymius has enjoyed all of your reviews and your support for the continuation of 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'. His intent is to do the entire series and film, and possibly the next anime when it comes out. He plans to post a new chapter weekly, and ends up posting one fortnightly. We look forward to receiving any future reviews you send to us. It will definitely make the Commentator happy. Now then, without further ado, here's 'Lost in Animation'.

* * *

Ed: So after eight episodes we FINALLY return to the manga! As far as flashbacks go, that one was pretty excessive.

Al: Hey, at least we got the back story out of the way instead of waiting for dozens of episodes.

Ed: Well I'm just glad that we can return to the proper canon plot, with no filler or major alterations or- hey, where are we?

* * *

Ed: This document doesn't give us a clue as to where we are. Damnit, we're lost again! And from the looks of it we'll be lost for at least twenty minutes! Sigh, oh well. It could be worse. I think I can stand one episode of filler.

Al: That's more than most fans can bear.

Ed: So, any clue as to where we are?

Al: It looks like an alternate Venice.

Ed: I thought Amestris was supposed to be an alternate Prussia?

(Carriage rolls by, splashing Ed with mud)

Ed: GRRRR! It's times like this I'm glad that alchemists aren't bound by any rules that forbid them from using their powers for personal gain.

(Claps his hands together and puts them on himself and the mud disappears)

Al: Okay, I get how you need to make contact with the thing you need to transmute, but I'm pretty sure alchemy can't be used to make mud cease to exist.

Ed: Excuse me, who's the genius alchemist here?

(Suddenly his wrist is handcuffed)

Detective: AHA! Got you now, alchemie!

* * *

Detective: You may have alluded me for a long time, Siren, but today you made the one fatal mistake of using your magical powers in broad daylight!

Ed: Okay, first of all, as I keep telling people, alchemy isn't magic, it's science. Sure it's performed by drawing circles and hand gestures, which completely defy the laws of physics, but the one thing it has that no supernatural series has is a strong logical framework! Even if that logical framework is horribly mutilated by filler material. Now that I'm done ranting, I'd like to tell you that I'm sure you've mistaken me for someone else.

Detective: I don't think so! We know very little about Siren, but what we do know is that Siren's an alchemist!

Ed: And what, you think that just because I'm an alchemist that I'm undoubtedly the thief? Dude, there are like a hundred alchemists in the country, that's like arresting someone solely on the fact that they have blond hair or black skin!

Detective: No, no, you misunderstand me, Alchemist-san, I merely wanted to hear your thoughts on the matter since you are also an alchemist.

Ed: Even though you just admitted you thought I was the thief earlier, it's pretty obvious you just want to trick me into giving a confession.

* * *

Doctor: It appears that you have some minor food poisoning. Don't worry; the nurse will give you a shot. And before you think anything she is definitely not the other identity of an infamous Robin Hood-like thief in this city!

* * *

Al: Here, let me help by transmuting the apple back into its whole shape when it's suppose to be cut up instead of fixing the plate.

Clara: (Amazing! Alchemy that doesn't screw the rules!) You two are alchemists?

Ed: No my friend here can just magically put apple pieces together –I MEAN SCIENTIFICALLY! SCIENTIFICALLY! He can put an apple back together SCIENTIFICALLY! Or pseudo-scientifically. Proto-scientifically at best!

Detective: Mister Elric! Mister Elric!

Ed: Oh not you again! Look here, I'm not the thief!

Detective: I know that now! Come with me! It's urgent!

Ed: What's the emergency?

Detective: I've got to make up for being a jerk to you earlier!

Al: Hey, did you just refer to Brother as 'Mr Elric' earlier?

Detective: Yeah. What's your point?

Al: Isn't that kind of out of place will all the Japanese honorifics in this show like 'nee-san' and 'onii-chan' and 'san'?

Detective: (Shrugs) Probably.

* * *

Detective: All salute Elric-Sensei!

Al: Doesn't anyone else find it odd that we're nineteenth century Europeans eating oriental food?

Ed: Unlikely.

* * *

Ed: Hey, nameless Detective! Who are that crowd out there?

Detective: Oh they're fans of Siren, people who thinks she's cool for taking people's most cherished possessions.

Ed: Wait hold on, Siren's a woman?

Detective: Um, yes?

Ed: ...Tell me, Detective-San, have you met this Siren?

Detective: Yes, a number of times, why?

Ed: ...And is she as tall as me?

Detective: What? No! She's a lot taller than you!

Ed: …So let me get this straight, you thought that I was Siren, even though I was not the same size, let alone the same gender, and your suspicions were solely based on the fact that I'm an alchemist, even though there are hundreds of alchemists in Amestris?

Detective: Ermmmmmmm, yes?

(Silence)

Ed: Are all cops as thick as you?

Commentator: Do you really want the answer to that?

Detective: Hey! I'm not thick! I just like to pin the crime on the most likely person so that I can go home early and watch 'Law and Order'!

Ed: And you're willing to waste time and money on someone who even by logic's standards can't be the perv, and make the police just give up on the case when the guy or girl's been proven innocent, even though according to the law the perv is still out there, while the real perv gets away with it and is able to strike again, just because you're lazy? That itself defies logic! I mean if you're not going to bother investigating a case properly then WHY DID YOU EVEN BOTHER BECOMING A POLICE OFFICER! I mean ordinary workers get sacked for not doing the job properly out of sloth!

Detective: ..Because, erm, catching bad guys is fun?

Ed: Does the term 'innocent until proven guilty' mean anything to you?

Commentator: Ed, he's a police officer. Of course it means nothing to him!

Al: Hey, I've just realised where I've seen you before! You look like that bumbling detective from Lupin III who makes Jacques Clouseau look competent by comparison!

Detective: You mean Koichi Zenigata? Yes, I was cloned from him just for this episode! My life expectancy is 24 minutes!

Ed: What is it with anime and manga and identical looking characters from completely different series?

* * *

Ed: Aha! Got you, Siren! Who for some reason dresses like a bunny. Er (Realises that he's holding a woman's breast) AH! YOU'RE A WOMAN!

Siren: Er, yah, didn't Nameless Detective tell you like a gizillion times!

Ed: Please, I'd remember a detail as significant as that!

Commentator: I think there's been a failure in translation!

Ed: I mean, EWWW! I TOUCHED YOUR BOOB!

Siren: Jeez, you Japanese teenagers are such wimps when it comes to the opposite sex! I mean if you were an American teenager, you couldn't wait to look at my boobies (partially unzips her catsuit).

BOOM

(Ed is lying stunned on the ground)

Ed: (Groans) I was instantly blown away by her breasts.

* * *

Klara: Behold! My breasts are so big they can restore dying plants to life!

Ed: That doesn't make any alchemical sense. Let alone biological sense! I mean OH MY GOD, KLARA THE NURSE IS SIREN, I HAD NO IDEA! SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST!

* * *

Ed: Klara! Explain why you have done this!

Klara: Well I-

Al: I know why! It's because the hospital is being threatened to be knocked down and the only way to save it is to get more money, and that's why you've been stealing Klara, isn't it?

Klara: Er, sure, why not?

* * *

Siren: Why did you help me?

Ed: Because it's all right to save a hospital and all its sickly patients by taking people's treasured possessions.

Siren: So wait, are you making fun of the series for justifying theft or not?

Ed: You know what, I'm not entirely sure myself.

* * *

(Hospital comes crashing down)

Elric brothers: WHA? The- hospital was still knocked down?

Commentator: Oh my. Siren pretended to be like Robin Hood even though she never stated at first that she was. What a shocking twist! HOW COULD YOU GENIUS ALCHEMISTS BE SO EASILY DUPED? Well okay, Al has a crush on her, BUT ED?

Klara: Stop that! It is insulting to God!

Ed: Huh? Klara? You're a nun?

Klara: Yes, I was so distraught that the hospital got knocked down that I went into seclusion.

Al: Huh. I guess we are Christians after all.

Ed: Well an alternate Christianity at least.

Al: I wonder what our God is called?

Ed: You know what, I think we're all too agnostic to care! So Klara, now that you're a nun I guess you can't go around stealing anymore!

Klara: Oh no, but I must! This monastery is being threatened to be demolished, so I have to steal money in order to save it! I'm sure God wouldn't mind if I preserved the monastery by defiling it with stolen money.

Ed: Wait, what happened to all that stuff you stole previously?

Klara: It got confiscated.

Commentator: How very convenient.

* * *

(Monastery is knocked down)

Elric brothers: WHA? The- monastery was still knocked down?

Klara: Hello, you two.

Ed: Huh? Klara? You're a teacher?

Klara: Yes, after the monastery got knocked I became a teacher.

Ed: So are you going to stop stealing now?

Klara: No, because the school is being threatened to be demolished so-

(Everything abruptly stops)

Commentator: Okay, is this going to be a running joke throughout the rest of the episode? Let's just skip to the final fight.

(Episode is forwarded to the final battle)

Commentator: There we go!

Ed: All right, Siren, you're going to pay! Nobody makes a fool out of the foolmetal alchemi- I MEAN nobody makes a full of the fullmetal- I mean, oh for goodness sake just die!

Siren: Now, now, language! None of this talk about killing in front of the children!

Ed: Wrong censoring company, lady. This one doesn't care about how much we talk about death!

Siren: In that case- (Transmutation circle on breasts glow) Water style, Water Dragons No Jutsu!

(Water rises and hits Ed's boat, knocking him into the air)

Ed: What, you're a ninja now?

Siren: Wasn't it obvious from my outfit? Oof!

(Gets hit by a giant stone fist from the bank, as transmuted by Ed)

Ed: Haha! Earth beats water! Or is it supposed to be the other way round? Oh well!

* * *

Al: So wait, was she good or wasn't she?

Ed: I guess it's all down to your point of view. Well it's been a fun filler episode. Now we can just sit back and relax as the train takes us to the canon plot.

ONE WEEK LATER…

Ed: It's already been an episode and we're still lost? One filler story was bearable but two? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I feel like Ash, Misty and Brock when they got lost trying to find the third gym-

Al: Brother, I have had it up to hear with your obscure references from the nineties that no one remembers-

Elisa: EEEEEE!

Ed: That sounds like someone in trouble! LET'S GO AL!

Al: You know, I'm pretty sure you weren't this heroic in the original manga.

* * *

Al: Well done, Brother! You saved someone with alchemy, and you did it without screwing any alchemical rules for once!

Elisa's Dad: Thank you for rescuing my daughter, Mr Alchemist. Perhaps you two could help Magwar create the Philosopher's Stone so that we can restore out prosperity by using it to transmute gold?

Ed: What's he talking about?

Al: You know, Brother, the main reason people seek the Philosopher's Stone is that it is the only substance that can transmute gold.

Ed: Er, no it isn't. In this series the Philosopher's Stone is sought because it is an unlimited power source that violates all rules of alchemy.

Al: People seem to do just fine violating the rules of alchemy without the Philosopher's Stone.

Ed: I mean alchemists can already transmute gold without the Philosopher's Stone. Remember, rules of Equivalent Exchange? You can change something into something else if it's the same elemental nature and that means you can turn any earth based material into gold! I mean you remember when I transmuted all that coal into gold to trick Governor Yoki, right?

Al: I did not see anything suspicious. I mean Brother, if alchemists can create gold, then why don't they do it all the time?

Ed: BECAUSE GOLD MAKING'S ILLEGAL! This has been stated numerous times in the anime and manga!

Al: How very convenient.

Ed: IT IS NOT! If people could create money out of thin air, it would destroy the economy!

Al: Well, maybe the Philosopher's Stone's an exception?

Ed: I don't see how. How exactly is it suppose to create gold?

Al: I think just like every other take on the Philosopher's Stone, it's never properly explained.

Ed: Of course it isn't. As stated in the series, the Philosopher's Stone amplifies the alchemist's powers, and even if gold making was impossible, it can't be done because GOLD MAKING IS ILLEGAL!

Al: Brother, filler and continuity don't mix.

Elisa's Dad: Could you please give me your names?

Ed: Sure. I'm Edward Elric, and this is my brother, Alphonse.

Elisa's Dad: Edward Elric? The State Alchemist?

Ed: Yeah!

(Ed and Al get thrown out, literally).

Ed: Hey? Why'd you kick us out? If it's because you hate the military because of an over-taxing governor, I'll promise to remove him from power by the end of the episode!

Elisa's Dad: It's not that! It's just that we don't like those who steal aspects from other characters!

Ed: What are you talking about?

Elisa's Dad: The Elric brothers are in that mansion!

Ed: Hey, I saved your daughter!

Elisa's Dad: Copyright infringement is the greatest crime known to man; it greatly cancels out any good deed you've done! Unless of course you're willing to disclaim the names and background of Edward and Alphonse Elric.

Ed: We're not disclaiming anything!

Elisa's Dad: Then may you be turned into small animals for your arrogance. Now get out of here before we decide to burn you!

* * *

Ed: That jerk! How dare he infringe on my copyright!

Al: But Brother, this is Japan. There's no such thing as copyright. Why do you think so many characters from completely different anime and manga look identical?

Ed: You know, I did wonder. But I'm gonna find this thief and sue him for every single penny he's got.

Al: Brother, you can't! It's un-Japanese!

Ed: I'd rather take after my American version and stop anyone from using any aspect of me, even if they're doing no harm, making no profit and when everyone knows who I am beforehand. Unless of course they disclaim my identity, that somehow makes it okay!

* * *

Ed: Hey! These guys aren't making the Philosopher's Stone! They're making the Red Stone!

Al: The what?

Ed: It's like the Philosopher's Stone, only it's very toxic.

Al: An object that's just a cheap imitation of something already stated in the story? Sounds like something out of a bad fanfic.

* * *

Ed: Hey you! How dare you steal my identity! If you wanted to use it, you should have just asked permission!

Al: How is he supposed to get your permission in the first place?

Ed: Hey, that's his problem, not mine!

Russell: I'm sorry! I had to use your identity so that I could work on the Red Stone! Besides, let's be fair, my brother and I make a more convincing pair of Elric Brothers than you two.

Ed: Oh that does it you are so dead! (Transmutes a blade from his arm) Any last words?

Russell: Just two. (Places Red Stone on the metal door) Episode five.

Ed: Episode five? (Russell creates a hose) Ohhh, Episode FIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Fletcher: Brother, no! Making the Red Stone is wrong! Dad wouldn't want it!

Russell: You instantly persuade me away from the project I have been working on for so long.

Ed: That seemed pretty convenient.

Soldier: (Knocking on door) Elric-san! Elric-San! Is everything all right?

Ed: Wait, this isn't right! We still haven't resolved everything!

Al: Sorry, we've run out of time.

Ed: No! It can't end like this!

Al: I'm afraid it can. This episode-

TO BE CONTINUED….

Al: -Is a two-parter.

Ed: YOU PEOPLE ARE THE MOST EVIL ANIME COMPANY IN ALL OF JAPAN!

* * *

Fletcher: Don't worry! I'll stop the guards by creating a tree from the door without taking away any of the mass.

Ed: Doesn't anyone in this damn anime know the rules of alchemy?

Al: Oh don't you start, you big hypocrite!

* * *

Vercio: The Red Stone? Yes, Nash Tringham was working on it, and was convinced that the prosperity of a few was far more important than the deaths of many. Elisa was one of the newborns that got sick. Thankfully, though, an alchemist doctor named Marcoh came and used some shining artifact to heal her.

Ed: Dr. Marcoh? Al, do you know what this means?

Al: That the only thing that can cancel out a cheap imitation is the original which means that Dr Marcoh must have used the Philosopher's Stone to heal the sick which means that if we find this Dr. Marcoh we can find the Philosopher's Stone to restore our original bodies?

Ed: Well there's that. But more importantly, if we find Dr Marcoh we can finally return to the canon plot!

* * *

Ed: Oh no! The town is about to be flooded by the Red Water!

Fletcher: Don't worry! I can use tree alchemy to absorb all the red water!

Ed: He's- he's making the trees grow bigger without adding to the mass!

Al: Brother, don't.

Ed: But he's- he's making them grow without adding to the mass. He's creating mass out of thin air! It completely defies the concept of Equivalent Exchange!

Al: Brother, face it, alchemists in this series are as faithful to the rules as duelists are in Yu-Gi-Oh.

Ed: Yu-Gi-Oh doesn't remind everyone the major concept of the rules every episode! What's the point about talking about equivalent exchange if no one abides it?

* * *

Ed: Well Russell, since you only wanted to increase the prosperity of a few at the cost of dozens of lives, I guess I won't press any charges against you violating my copyright.

Russell: That won't stop some zealous fans from making my life miserable.

Ed: It never does.

Al: Well our train is here, so we must be going.

Ed: Wait, can't we stay long enough for the town to apologise to us for accusing us of theft?

Al: No, sorry, the train's here.

Ed: Awwww. You feel bad about accusing us of lying, don't you Elisa?

Elisa: Bye Big Brothers! I'll miss you!

Ed: Grrrr. There's no justice in the world.

* * *

Al: So where to now, Brother?

Ed: Back to East Headquarters. We need to see Colonel Mustang. He's bound to know something about Dr. Marcoh.

Al: Then we can find him and find out what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone!

Ed: Forget that! Returning to the canon plot is far more important!

* * *

Mustang: So, Ed, how has the anime been?

Ed: Lousy. Well the first two episodes were okay, then we went into a sixteen episode flashback, followed by a two episode arc about a Robin Hood phonie who could perform alchemy just with her breasts, and finally we had to endure a four episode saga about a lame imitation of the Philosopher's Stone! So all in all, it's been a pretty good adaptation so far.

Mustang: And how is the manga I gave you?

Manga: I am outraged at how much those immoral people at Bones have mutilated perhaps the greatest manga in all of Japan!

Mustang: I can see you're as unsatisfied as ever.

* * *

Ed: We need to find Dr Marcoh so that we can return to the canon plot.

Hughes: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him in order to restore your original bodies?

Ed: Yeah. That too.

Hughes: Well your best bet is to ask Mustang.

Ed: I've tried but he's not saying anything.

Hughes: Then you've got to get the information from him in some way.

Ed: Hmmmmm. Wait, that's it!

* * *

Mustang: An arena styled duel? Why?

Ed: Because Shonen Anime law requires every shonen anime to have at least one arena styled duel.

Al: So much for us being the only original shonen anime/manga.

Mustang: Well I suppose that if I got along with this, I'll become some sort of rival.

Al: I rest my case.

* * *

Ed: All right! We got the information! Now we're on our way to meet Dr Marcoh and finally return to the canon plot!

Al: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him so we can restore our original bodies.

Ed: And get the Philosopher's Stone from him so we can restore our original bodies.

* * *

Hughes: There's talk about this serial killer who's been murdering national alchemists. Among the rumours, there are some that say that he cuts open the victim's head, and eats their brain!

* * *

Scar: Thank you for the information regarding the whereabouts of the Fullmetal Alchemist. (Drops body) Now I shall be able to fulfill the will of Hiromu Arakawa by trying to kill Edward Elric, as it is written. And drawn. And published in manga format.

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
